You got questions? I got answers!
Do you have a question about a game we’ve played? Are you stuck? Maybe I can give you some advice! Maybe you just want to check up on me? Awe, that’s so sweet! I’d be happy to keep you posted!
For questions and inquiries, please use via this Google Form.
Hey Wombat, go review this thing!
Is there a game you’d like me to review? Or maybe you think I should re-review something? Are you a developer looking for feedback? Do want to give me some free games? I like getting free games!
For review-related requests, please use this Google Form.
Check out my latest responses — I’m a question whore! (Or was that a questionable whore?)
- Ask a Wombat! 065
Knack asks. . .
What’s the stupidest game you’ve reviewed and what’s the stupidest game you’ve played?
DatWombat says. . .
That’s. . . I’m not sure! I’m guessing by “stupid”, you mean “ridiculous” and not “frustrating”. When I think about the “stupidist game” that I’ve reviewed, I think of Jerking Off In Class Simulator. In this game, you must carefully jerk-off in class without getting caught. You have to carefully time every fap and take care not to make too much noise — it’s so dumb! If I were to consider the “stupidist game” I’ve played (but haven’t necessarily reviewed), Borderlands 2 comes to mind. The Borderlands series offers a colorful cast of over-the-top characters the dumbest quests I’ve ever participated in. The first stupidness that comes to mind are Brick’s moments in Tiny Tina’s DLC. I won’t spoil any of them, but I just laughed out loud.
Wombat, how do you rate games?
I rate games using five guidelines; “gameplay”, “sexual content”, “sound”, “story”, and “visuals”. The final score is an average all of categories (when applicable). I don’t always account for audio when writing reviews; this is because I typically play games muted. I originally planned on giving games two scores; one would be for core gameplay, and the other for adult content. Ultimately, I decided to combine both scores (when applicable). A game with poor sexual content fails as an adult game — and the adult content will no doubt have an impact on core gameplay. I’ve seen too many shit games with some sort of hentai façade. Don’t get me wrong, I love hentai as much as the next guy (but let’s not forget, porn is free). If I want to see porn, I’ll buy porn. When I buy a porn game, I expect to be equally amused as a gamer and as a horny wombat!
Wombat, what do your scores mean?
Not all games are created (or rated) equally. A “five-out-of-five” visual novel is not necessarily a better game than a “four-out-of-five” shooter. That’s like comparing apples to oranges! I may consider a “five-out-of-five” visual novel a better game than a “four-out-of-five” visual novel — but the latter score likely reflects faults that aren’t make-or-break. Don’t ever forget, my scores are based on my opinions. It would be unfair to consider them “objective” information. In the following tables, I will try to outline a generalized explanation behind each score.
How I grade “Gameplay”
1/5★ I’d rather be playing with rocks. The gameplay is physically painful; it’s boring, needlessly punishing and/or tedious
2/5★ It could be worse. I’ve seen worse. The gameplay is bad, but I’ve seen worse gameplay — and I’m going to acknowledge that.
3/5★ Not bad (but not very good either). The gameplay is reasonably balanced. It’s functional (but not necessarily fun).
4/5★ Lots of fun, above-average. The gameplay is genuinely fun. I have a few complaints regarding the experience; it could be better.
5/5★ Gobs of fun, amaze-balls. It would be difficult to improve upon the gameplay. Fun-busting flaws are few (if any).
How I grade “Story”
1/5★ They didn’t even try. There is no story whatsoever; not even a consistent theme or recurring characters.
2/5★ They (probably) didn’t even try. The “story” is nothing more than filler; these are pity points.
3/5★ Fanfic quality. The writing is contrived, generic, uninspired, unbelievable and is probably has plotholes.
4/5★ What’s next? I was (generally) interested in what happened next; the writing is flawed, but I wanted to read more.
5/5★ Where’s the book? The writing is riveting (or at least, absurdly hot), and it kept me on the edge of my seat!
How I grade “Visual”
1/5★ Eye-rape. I had to apologize to my computer to subjecting it to such a horrid sight and dysfunctional UI.
2/5★ Poor quality. The game is graphically below-average (but not in a “retro” way), and/or the user-interface is lacking.
3/5★ Absolutely forgettable. The user-interface is functional, and the game doesn’t make me want to shut my eyes.
4/5★ A sight for tired eyes. The graphics and user-interface are appealing. My complaints are probably nitpicking.
5/5★ Screenshot worthy. This is the kind of game that you share with your friends to make them jealous.
How I grade “Sexual Content”
1/5★ I can draw better porn. The lewd content is completely unnecessary, terrible quality, or psychologically scarring.
2/5★ I don’t think the budget was high enough. The lewd content is poorly implemented, or poor quality.
3/5★ If the fetish is right, I guess it’s fine? The lewd content is grossly average, or it’s poorly mingled with gameplay.
4/5★ Really hot, worth the effort. I thoroughly enjoyed the adult content, but there’s room for improvement.
5/5★ I think I came in my pants. I had a hard time writing the review because I was too busy busting nuts instead of keys.
How I grade “Sound”
1/5★ Ear rape (or dead silence). The audio was so god awful, I had to turn if off before risking damage to my psyche.
2/5★ Hey, at least they tried. Once I heard enough sounds to write down my thoughts on them, I politely muted the application.
3/5★ You’re not missing out. I didn’t feel the need to mute the application, but I probably decided to listen to music instead.
4/5★ Ear candy. I turned off my jams and tuned in; the audio helped my immersion, but it could have been better.
5/5★ Eargasm. If there was a soundtrack, I’d buy it; the audio is a delight, and I was listening to it while writing because it’s that good.
Overall Score (or “Verdict”)
1/5★ This is a terrible game and you are too if you buy it. I wouldn’t wish this game unto my worst enemies!
2/5★ Tolerable. If you like “bad games”, you might get a kick out of this one. Not worth your time unless you’ve time to kill.
3/5★ Average. This game desperately needs some love. There are better ways to spend your money.
4/5★ Great! I had a great time playing and discussing this game. Definitely worth checking out (and buying!)
5/5★ Such wow! If you don’t buy this, you’re a bad person. This game is a diamond among diamonds.
Wombat (you asshole), you fucked up! Can you even?
Did I make an unfounded claim? Maybe a review I’ve written is grossly out of date? Did I misspell something? Is a link broken? Do you have a complaint against my person? For general support, use this Google Form. Please be as specific as possible. I appreciate useful feedback.
