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  • Ask a Wombat! 059

    Leon asks. . .

    Is this a dumb question? 

    DatWombat says. . .

    . . . you listen here you little shit!

Wombat, how do you rate games?

I rate games using five guidelines; “gameplay”, “sexual content”, “sound”, “story”, and “visuals”. The final score is an average all of categories (when applicable). I don’t always account for audio when writing reviews; this is because I typically play games muted. I originally planned on giving games two scores; one would be for core gameplay, and the other for adult content. Ultimately, I decided to combine both scores (when applicable). A game with poor sexual content fails as an adult game — and the adult content will no doubt have an impact on core gameplay. I’ve seen too many shit games with some sort of hentai façade. Don’t get me wrong, I love hentai as much as the next guy (but let’s not forget, porn is free). If I want to see porn, I’ll buy porn. When I buy a porn game, I expect to be equally amused as a gamer and as a horny wombat!

Wombat, what do your scores mean?

Not all games are created (or rated) equally. A “five-out-of-five” visual novel is not necessarily a better game than a “four-out-of-five” shooter. That’s like comparing apples to oranges! I may consider a “five-out-of-five” visual novel a better game than a “four-out-of-five” visual novel — but the latter score likely reflects faults that aren’t make-or-break. Don’t ever forget, my scores are based on my opinions. It would be unfair to consider them “objective” information. In the following tables, I will try to outline a generalized explanation behind each score.

How I grade “Gameplay”

1/5★ I’d rather be playing with rocks. The gameplay is physically painful; it’s boring, needlessly punishing and/or tedious

2/5★ It could be worse. I’ve seen worse. The gameplay is bad, but I’ve seen worse gameplay — and I’m going to acknowledge that.

3/5★ Not bad (but not very good either). The gameplay is reasonably balanced. It’s functional (but not necessarily fun).

4/5★ Lots of fun, above-average. The gameplay is genuinely fun. I have a few complaints regarding the experience; it could be better.

5/5★ Gobs of fun, amaze-balls. It would be difficult to improve upon the gameplay. Fun-busting flaws are few (if any).

How I grade “Story”

1/5★ They didn’t even try. There is no story whatsoever; not even a consistent theme or recurring characters.

2/5★ They (probably) didn’t even try. The “story” is nothing more than filler; these are pity points.

3/5★ Fanfic quality. The writing is contrived, generic, uninspired, unbelievable and is probably has plotholes.

4/5★ What’s next? I was (generally) interested in what happened next; the writing is flawed, but I wanted to read more.

5/5★ Where’s the book? The writing is riveting (or at least, absurdly hot), and it kept me on the edge of my seat!

How I grade “Visual”

1/5★ Eye-rape. I had to apologize to my computer to subjecting it to such a horrid sight and dysfunctional UI.

2/5★ Poor quality. The game is graphically below-average (but not in a “retro” way), and/or the user-interface is lacking.

3/5★ Absolutely forgettable. The user-interface is functional, and the game doesn’t make me want to shut my eyes.

4/5★ A sight for tired eyes. The graphics and user-interface are appealing. My complaints are probably nitpicking.

5/5★ Screenshot worthy. This is the kind of game that you share with your friends to make them jealous.

How I grade “Sexual Content”

1/5★ I can draw better porn. The lewd content is completely unnecessary, terrible quality, or psychologically scarring.

2/5★ I don’t think the budget was high enough. The lewd content is poorly implemented, or poor quality.

3/5★ If the fetish is right, I guess it’s fine? The lewd content is grossly average, or it’s poorly mingled with gameplay.

4/5★ Really hot, worth the effort. I thoroughly enjoyed the adult content, but there’s room for improvement.

5/5★ I think I came in my pants. I had a hard time writing the review because I was too busy busting nuts instead of keys.

How I grade “Sound”

1/5★ Ear rape (or dead silence). The audio was so god awful, I had to turn if off before risking damage to my psyche.

2/5★ Hey, at least they tried. Once I heard enough sounds to write down my thoughts on them, I politely muted the application.

3/5★ You’re not missing out. I didn’t feel the need to mute the application, but I probably decided to listen to music instead.

4/5★ Ear candy. I turned off my jams and tuned in; the audio helped my immersion, but it could have been better.

5/5★ Eargasm. If there was a soundtrack, I’d buy it; the audio is a delight, and I was listening to it while writing because it’s that good.

Overall Score (or “Verdict”)

1/5★ This is a terrible game and you are too if you buy it. I wouldn’t wish this game unto my worst enemies!

2/5★ Tolerable. If you like “bad games”, you might get a kick out of this one. Not worth your time unless you’ve time to kill.

3/5★ Average. This game desperately needs some love. There are better ways to spend your money.

4/5★ Great! I had a great time playing and discussing this game. Definitely worth checking out (and buying!)

5/5★ Such wow! If you don’t buy this, you’re a bad person. This game is a diamond among diamonds.

Wombat (you asshole), you fucked up! Can you even?

Did I make an unfounded claim? Maybe a review I’ve written is grossly out of date? Did I misspell something? Is a link broken? Do you have a complaint against my person? For general support, use this Google Form. Please be as specific as possible. I appreciate useful feedback.